I took part in this little book study once- the kind that had a work book to pair with the book itself… Long story short, I realized that my life had a theme (the book and work book was Storyline, by Donald Miller).
Back when I was growing up, I was your average small-town, Catholic, goodie-goodie. So naturally, I never thought I would end up in the lifestyle I did at just 19 years old (I’ll probably post about that sometime…).
I never thought I would move away from home at 19- let alone 4 provinces away.
I never thought I would work for a church or be involved in ministry.
I never thought I would marry a tattooed, metal-music-loving, dark-haired British-Columbian, who might I add, is 4 years younger than me!
I never thought I would fight for my baby’s life, more than once.
So there’s the theme- perhaps you can relate?
So much of life’s twists and turns are never what we thought. Maybe it’s who we never thought we’d be, or where we never thought we’d go, or say, or do.
This last one though, is throwing me for a loop. Sheesh I tell ya.
I always dreamt of having more than 3 kids. So when koby approached me about continuing our family, when Jed was about a year and a half, I was like YES SIR!!!! I was so excited for number 4!!!
I guess I forgot earlier, that I also never thought I would have a ‘late-term miscarriage’. I never thought I would be one of the many mama’s whose baby’s no longer had a heartbeat. I never thought I would get to go through labour, only to push forth death. I never thought I would experience that kind of gut-wrenching pain, this early in life.
And then we get pregnant again, and I can’t really seem to find that same joy that I had before. It was a bit buried under the cloud of worry and grief.
I never thought I would have 7 ER trips within a few months, and too-many-ultrasounds-to-count, before even hitting the halfway mark. I never thought I would be clinging to hope the way I had- the way I do. I never thought I would be placed on sort-of-bedrest (cause apparently they don’t really advise that anymore?), and I never thought I would cry the tears I did.
But all those unexpected things and moments and days, they somehow prepared me for the craziest ‘never-thoughts’ that I’ve had to date…
I never thought I would sit knee to knee with a Neonatologist, and have her tell me that if my baby’s heart stops, they won’t be able to do chest compressions cause he is ‘just too fragile’.
I never thought I would see my baby face to face, so early in his womb-life, and so thin-skinned and breathing only because of technology, and the grace of God.
I never thought I would be a NICU mom.
I never thought I would become friend’s with neonatologists and nurses and Respiratory Therapists.
I never thought I would shed so many tears for so many months, that the skin around my eyes literally changed.
I never thought I would make deep friendships with other mama’s that I have never even met face to face, who have experienced similar battles, who have experiened trauma.
I never thought I would be googling ‘symptoms of PTSD’, months after this miracle boy is home and in my arms.
You get the picture. Its been quite the un-expected season for us, and don’t even get me started on all the ‘I never thought I would’s’ when it comes to church life… that’ll be a whole NUTHA post in itself.
Here’s the ‘clincher’ if you will…
I never thought I would experience any of these things- I always thought I would be the one who prayed for those who went through these things. And now that I’m on the receiving end, there’s an even bigger ‘I never thought’…
I never thought I would experience SUCH GRACE.
I never thought I would witness a miracle, daily, right in front of my eyes.
I never thought I would know peace the way I know it now.
I never KNEW I could be this strong.
You see, one of the scriptures that has continued to roll around in my heart since this battle began with Judah, was this one here in 2 Corinthians 4:
7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
That’s what we get, when we walk through this life, hand-in-hand with Jesus! It ain’t easy, and some days are hard, yes, but READ THAT! I am feeling refined through this fire. I am noticing my fragility as a human- as a mom and a wife and a friend, and I’m leaning into Jesus like never before. His life- His grace and love and peace- is coming OUT. PREACH that.
I never thought it could be THIS GOOD- this life, these gifts. GRACE. OF. GOD.
I love you all XO